Chaos Theory - 4/27/11
It's been a while since I've posted anything here, although a lot has happened. I'm sure I'll get to that, but right now I feel the need to talk. It's almost 5:30am as I'm typing this. I woke up about 2am because I have a brain that doesn't care what my body is up to. I'm pretty sure I know why it was going full tilt. Sure SMYS may be fairly negative toward life and love and other four letter words but I'm a romantic at heart. Monday night, I was out and writing and blocked to high hell. There was a pretty waitress who would smile and chat and humor me when I bounced ideas off of her. Or just asked silly questions like "what super hero would you like to see killed?" It's the smile that did it. For the second time in my life I asked the waitress out. The first time, I was young and drunk and she blew me off. As well she should. This time I was older, sober and a little more low key. If I were the sort of person looking for omens, I might obsess over the fact that I wrote my number on a slip of paper. I folded it up and had it on my notebook as she brought me the check. Without any clue what it was, she picked it up and asked "do you want me to throw this away for you?" Well, any thoughts of being a cool guy and slipping it to her with a low key "here's my number" went right out the window. I tend to over think things and try my best to work out scripts for the likely scenarios before conversations that I care about. Like asking out a pretty girl. I love those moments when the universe shows me who's in charge and I'm forced to improvise. Long story slightly less long, she took it without laughing in my face or telling me she has a boyfriend, so all in all things went OK. It's out of my hands, much like pretty much everything.

I got a new computer last weekend. I didn't plan on getting one but my old one decided it was time to be replaced. And so it was. I'd been saving for this since it's been long time coming, but had hoped for another six months so that I could buy it with my toy money and not have to dip into my savings or to owe myself money. No luck. So far, I'm not in love with this shiny new vixen. She's quiet and fast, but does things in ways that I don't expect which brings me back to laying in bed at 2am. I'm trying not to get to worked up about the prospects of a pretty waitress actually calling me. I figure giving her my number is kind of like buying a lottery ticket. If I expect to win, I'll be disappointed. If, on the other hand, I allow it to provide me with some happy moments of fantasy then it's worth the price of admission (which if I'm lucky will be a bit of awkwardness the next few times I'm at one of my favorite watering holes... fingers crossed). Much like a lottery ticket, it's not worth waking up in the middle of the night and thinking about the amazing smile of a girl who will most likely never call me. Sleep is hard to come by in these parts, so I value it. After about an hour, I was starting to drift off again when there was rustling from my daughter's room. She's three and at the phase of potty training where she's been going to bed without pull-ups for about a week. So I expect accidents. Sure enough. It wasn't a big deal, she's got good control and didn't even get any on the bed, just in her pants (thanks for sharing? You're welcome). Needless to say, that started another half an hour of sorting her out and getting her back to sleep. Back into my bed, my brain took over again. I decided to fight fire with... well... music. I went to what I thought was my sleeping computer and found it was off. In a vain attempt to extend battery life, I've been putting the new machine to sleep and unplugging it. Well, she apparently doesn't sleep easy either (why she? I don't know. This is my first one that is, but no question... this machine is a lady). The computer was off because the battery was dead. Grrr. I start it up and discover the clock is resent to some time in the past and all my wireless network passwords are forgotten. Rage... No... I just want sleep. I don't need clocks or internets to play an album in iTunes. I start up the music and let Josh Ritter lull me to sleep. OK universe. You win this round. We'll sort it all out in the morning. As I began to drift off again, the cat decided it was time to actually catch the mouse which has been scurrying about, mocking me for the last week. The mouse had other plans, so they started a litteral game through my room. All right, all right, I'm up! So here I am.

So things have quieted down and it's almost six. My alarm is set for seven. Is it even worth trying to sleep anymore? If this night has taught me anything, it's that I'm not going to assume I'll get to sleep, even if I'm tired and conditions are right. And as I'm thinking about wrapping this up and laying down, the smile is back. Damn, I it would be nice if she called. And when I win the lottery I'll have time to finish the last three songs that are still in need of real work and then I'll be able to get to mixing in earnest. I hope your night was more restful than mine and that you get your smile. I'm off to dream about mine until the universe decides to show me who's in charge.

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